Thursday 7 January 2010

TV Eye

Jools Holland’s Hootenanny.
What a rotten programme this has become. I’ve no argument with his Later shows; live music on the telly is always welcome, though the format is purposely made sterile by the lack of an audience and Holland’s unquenchable desire to play boogie-fucking-woogie piano with everyone who’ll let him, but his annual New Years Eve knees-up has died a death.

This year’s line-up was just plain shit. Boy fucking George – do me a favour. Florence and the cunting Machine. They’re just the fucking Cranberries with added Linger. And let’s not forget the studio audience. A turgid bunch of Holland’s showbiz mates, and a less entertaining bunch of washed up ‘alt’ comics and aged musos couldn’t be found anywhere on Earth (including ITV and Sky). The unfunniest cunt of all was Al Murray (for the second year running), a man so ludicrously inept at his chosen profession that I want to invent an Ebola gun just so I can shoot him in the eyes with it. Seriously, how he manages to walk down the street without getting stabbed up is beyond me, and probably every other poor bastard who’s New Year Eve was ruined by the boring prick.

Things were hardly helped by Holland’s interview question (he only had one) and that he’d somehow forgot to warn any of his smug, self-satisfied idiot friends that he was going to ask it. Seriously, if you’re going to look pissed and vacant at whatever tedious remark your host makes, at least have the decency to be genuinely pissed and vacant. The fact that this sorry excuse for entertainment is filmed over an afternoon in early December, not only adds to the insult, but also the ineptitude.

Next year, put an old film on instead. Or best of the Whistle Test. Or the Eastenders Omnibus. Anything except Holland and his bunch of unmerry cunts!

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